From THAT Worry to Worthy

I saw it this way... by Janice Brown

I woke up one day and I had clarity, purpose, and confidence. 

I just knew that I could be more myself than I had ever allowed myself to be, and from that point on, my life has been more a negotiation with myself than the world. As I made myself a priority, my world became a peaceful place, and that has been extremely grounding. 

The thing is, once in a while I would like to do things differently than I have, and so I did.

(If this 'past, present, future' tense thing makes you crazy, get used to it. That's a metaphysical concept, not a grammatical error.)

And then I started to notice that things changed for me with a simplicity and ease. It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing all the heavy lifting anymore; it was that there wasn’t so much heavy lifting to do. It becomes a cycle of proof and awareness, and the proof is that life can be better than you have ever imagined it could be. And what it takes to fulfill this in life is an opportunity for you to trust who you are so profoundly that you don’t let circumstances dictate the experience any more.

It’s a wonderful relief.

And so that you can have a clearer picture here, I’ll tell you a little story. 

Story of a Girl: From 'THAT' Worry to Worth

I used to worry myself to death about what people thought of me, how I was going to negotiate my position, and what each person in the room needed to hear to understand exactly my position, and THAT, quite frankly, was exhausting. Exhausting to the point of tears sometimes. I would feel emotional for no reason, and THAT left me feeling quite out of control. 

When I simply decided that ‘this’ was the best course of action for me, I set myself free to experience life from my own perspective instead of everyone else’s. Suddenly, I wasn’t doing something wrong in someone else’s eyes anymore; I was making simple choices that felt purposeful and aligned to me in the moment. 

For a little while, I still worried that it came across sometimes like I was a little disinterested, and THAT I realized was nowhere near the truth. The truth was that my interest had expanded profoundly; it just wasn’t what I thought it would be.

It was simpler, kinder, and easier than I ever imagined. I could walk out the front door without a worry in the world, and that was a long time in coming. I didn’t realize until I didn’t have THAT worry how big THAT worry had been. 

And THAT worry got my knickers in a knot and my socks a little crumpled from time to time. I could suddenly see where I had kept myself apart from my own experience for so long that I could hardly tell the difference anymore when I was doing something 'at will' and something 'at won’t'. 

And won’ting is a hard way to live your life. It makes everything seem like an obstacle, and I put some mighty fine obstacles in my lap. 

Lack of financial resources being one of them, opportunities for declining health was another, and a chance to see who I really was in the most powerful of ways was the real bell ringer for me. 

When I finally saw this, really saw this, I stopped beating around the bush of my life and started making simple decisions. Yes or no. Not yes because of this, or no because of THAT. Simple, powerful statements that felt good in my heart whether I liked them or not. And that is a difficult thing to reconcile. 

One day you’re going to make a decision to break yourself open, and that is going to feel an awful lot like you’ve lost your ship and only have a rudder. It’s the point where you become your ship, and that is not how we imagine it is going to be. 

We think it’s just going to be finding a rudder and moving in the direction we choose. When really it's the other way around. We move in the direction that is meant for us.

And, WOW! What a moment that is. 

When I became my ship, my life broke open and appeared to shatter and fall to the ground. Externally, it looked alarming. Internally, there was a new and profound sense of calm I was aware of even though my ship was rocking in the high seas. 

The rulebook changed. I didn’t have to go into the port authority to find out where I had to be or what I needed to do next; I could read my compass from within. 

And this is what your whole life experience is about, learning to read your compass from within. Being your own compass. Being your own ship. 

It trips and falls from time to time, and THAT feels like a crack in the ocean floor that reaches up and swallows you whole. It doesn’t quite spit you out on the other side; it’s more about coming to a certain and more profound sense of awareness with your terrain, and your terrain is a self-construct, so you want to understand it deeply. 

Once in a while you see the light of the shoreline, and it takes your breath away. Sometimes, the sea and the sky become one, and you’re floating in a body of stars. Another day you’re tossed about by a few waves, and that eases into a certain directional ability to choose faith and trust over turmoil. 

It won’t be long before you realize that the world around you bends and folds to you at will, and you finally decide to let it fold towards your benefit. And the true nature of your experience always feels like a comfort beyond words. This is where the ship that you become becomes one with the ocean, and the hard days at sea suddenly synchronize into a new and more powerful awareness. 

It gets better and better all the time. Just learn to not rush it, to not be pulled by the agenda, and let the agenda materialize instead of dictating it. 

This is a simple course adjustment: 

I will be who I am, instead of who I think I should be. 

It will take time to understand this fully, but you’ll get peeks and glimpses of the horizon. And when the sea becomes the shore, you’ll know you really got your sea legs back again. And that is a story worth telling.

Triumphantly and with a little hope in heart. Me. (The one who understands myself.)

I saw it this way.

~ A Girl

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Feeling Words: That, Worry, Worthy, Relief, Won’ting

Let's look at our feeling words for a quick minute.

That: THAT unnamable thing that keeps feelings of apprehension present for no particular good reason, other than it is deeply tied to a particular limiting belief system branch. For myself, I have a particular belief system related to 'being wrong' and also to 'not being right.' And that can get a little wonky. I have to clear up my understanding of these feelings, or I am always challenged on the front of my own sense of worthiness. The crappy part of this exploration is that you have to be willing to make a mistake so you can look at it from all the angles and really get clear on what is nonsense and what is a real detriment to your life and experience.

Worry: An amplification of the feeling of aversion.

Worthy: You. Just as you are. No qualifiers.

Relief: The rhythm break for feelings of apprehension.

Wont'ing: Refusal to participate because of a distorted feeling. 'Your won't' is your own particular flavour of obstacle. It could be your moral high ground, sense of superiority, obligation, or 'you owe me one,' dressed up as courtesy. Somewhere in this arrangement, a score is being kept, and you think you are awarding yourself a point for this action, even though it undermines you and those you are participating in the experience with. Mehhh!! Zero points awarded.

'Won't' is different than 'WILL NOT,' which is an affirmative choice towards your own preference of experience.

Example:

• I will go, but I won't bring my best self to the party; I've got better things to do. (So, you show up but have a flavour of distaste for everyone, the event, and yourself for even being there.)

• Thanks for the invite. I will not be attending the party; I'm enjoying what I am doing right now. (Now, you don't have to talk like a robotic, unfeeling person when you're explaining yourself to people, but you sure need to know the language you are using with yourself as you choose.)

• Conversational tone: Hey, thanks! I'm going to pass this time; I've got something going on that I'm really looking forward to. (Remember, you are allowed to have a preference of experience, and that really, really looks different for everyone.)

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A little bit about Me.

My name is Janice Brown, and I am both a doctor of Chinese Medicine and a Reverend who writes and talks about life from a metaphysical perspective. My understandings of the Tao and Emotional Relevance come from these two veins of understanding. To me, the work I do is Spiritual Care.

I’ve been working with the Tao as long as I’ve lived; and so have you. Here’s what that means to me: I’m a problem solver and I use the Tao as a framework for my discussion. In my writing, I share with you how I use it, and you can decide if that’s helpful for you or not. I write from the Heart in the moment, specifically from my point of view. You may not have seen it this way, but that's the whole point—to turn it around and look at it another way. ~ Janice.